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Haven't been around a lot because of school, but I'm making an effort to read and write more these days. Follow me on Goodreads:

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4966849-ebbie

NaNo (ignore the no novel info, I've got a freaking novel with no title!):

http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/cocoagoddess




he Dresden Files Collection 1-12 The first twelve novels featuring Harry Dresden—Chicago’s only professional wizard—are a perfect introduction to the # 1 New York Times bestselling series.

Book 13:


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I choked :-(

So very badly in creative writing class this morning. I mean, I FLOUNDERED.

We were given a writing exercise twenty seconds after the class started. And I was completely blocked, I could not think up a story or a poem under that kind of time pressure. The end result was an awful, jumbled mess, and my classmate, who had to critique my work, TOLD me that it was an awful, jumbled mess.

Well so was his, but at least I was nice in telling him so. For fuck's sake.

I'm traumatized, and wondering if I need to reconsider my college/career goals from here on out.

Countdown ...

To the fall semester and taking my first ever creative writing course.

I'm getting a sense of urgency about this--a kind of sink or swim feeling. Either I'm going to be a writer, or I'm not, and I feel like EVERYTHING depends on how well I'm going to do in this creative writing class. 

If it turns out I'm no good at writing, I don't know what I will do. I have wanted this literally all my life. My Dad told me my initials came to him in a dream while my Mom was pregnant, and he got up, wrote them down, and thought they'd be perfect as a pen name. (EEL) This just has to be my destiny, right? RIGHT?

Failing at my dream would be horrible. Not being able to fully realize all of my stories and to see my characters come to life on paper would be traumatic. But not even trying would be the biggest travesty ever.

I just want to succeed at this. It would be an honor just to get through the class with my pride intact.

Writer's Block: Live action hero

Which is your favorite or least favorite comic book-turned-movie?

Favorite: The Dark Knight and Batman (tied)

Least Favorite: Superman, Electra, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Catwoman (tied)

Self loathing and other musings ....

So, I went out for an all day shopping trip with my husband on Saturday. I wore:

A kind of 80s style off the shoulder shirt--form fitting, pinched on the sides, and stopped about mid thigh

Black tights

My favorite flats with the huge flower on top

Basic black Coach bag

I know I've bitched before about not having a full length mirror (both positively and negatively), but when you're trying to wear an outfit that basically hugs every curve on your plus sized body, you kind of want to see how it looks just to make sure you're not making a fool of yourself.

My husband told me I looked great. I changed out of it, put on a long flowing dress, and he made me take it off, and put the outfit back on.

I was self conscious the entire day.

Until we hit Sears, and I walked past a mirror in the ladies section and glanced at myself--it was a skinny mirror! I looked GOOD! I stood there, admiring myself for a few minutes, thinking, "wow, I can be my own thinspiration!" and wishing I looked that good in real life. I met up with my husband (who was in electronics, of course) and giddily told them they had skinny mirrors in Sears! He gave me a kind of strange look, but said nothing.

Next, Burlington Coat Factory. Long story short, but they had skinny mirrors there too! As I looked longingly at myself in the mirror, my husband approached and said, "uh, these aren't skinny mirrors".

"Sure they are", I told him.

"No, they're not. I'm looking right at myself. It's regular."

Well ... he's Mr. Physique, so of course he's going to look perfect no matter what. He stood behind me while I looked in the mirror and said, "Sorry babe, that's all you. That's how you look. That's how I see you every day."

And at that moment, I felt really pathetic. And really bad for my husband, because he has to hear about how fucking fat and gross I am all the time, and I'm pretty sure he's tired of reassuring me constantly. I might be fat, but I'm certainly not gross.

I guess it was an epiphany? Don't get me wrong, I still need to lose some weight, firm up, and get into better shape. But at least I know now I can look good on my (endless) weight loss journey, and I don't have to be so self loathing about myself all of the time.

You know what I'm ALWAYS thinking when I see a skinny girl who's dressed cute? "Wish that could be me."
You know what I'm ALWAYS thinking when I see a big girl who's dressed cute? "Wish that could be me."

It's not about my weight, it's about ME. I see that now.

Back, with a new focus

I've been posting on tumblr and google plus so much, I've pretty much ignored my LJ. Except for MMFS Library and MMFS of course.

So, my new found interest in fingernail polish has kind of renewed my interest in fashion, clothes, and taking better care with my appearance. No sense in spending duckets on Deborah Lippman and Illamasqua (OMG--LOVE) polishes while my clothes are pretty basic. I don't think I LOOK like a Mom just yet, but if I continue to neglect my wardrobe, I'm gonna start to look like one.

Up next, a revelation--maybe my husband is right--AM I self loathing?

Mad at you, mad at me, mad at we ...

I haven't fallen off the wagon. I've fallen off on HEALTH. And into the bed, where I've been for the past week and a half now.

I had a really bad cold last week and couldn't go to the gym at all. No problem, taking a few days off to focus on my health isn't so awful in the grand scheme of things.  Besides, I was living on orange juice and cracker, so my calories were limited anyway, right?

I had two days of picture perfect healthiness. I went to Costco with my husband on Saturday to pick up some reinforcements for the week, and while standing in line, some bratty, rude kid fucking opened her mouth and did a combo cold/cough number RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE.

She may as well have SHIT ON MY FACE the stupid little whore. And no, I don't care, she wasn't a toddler, she was a diseased little tween who was about 10 or 11 and was old enough to know better. Goddamn it. Even her mother looked embarrassed, as I yelped and jumped to the other side of the line, trying to get away from the little outbreak monkey. I glared at them all SO FUCKING HARD. At least she admonished her kid.

Isn't that the first thing you learn to do in kindergarten, right after swearing not to eat paste and learning how to properly break graham crackers on the serrated line? COVER YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH SO THAT YOU WON'T SPREAD GERMS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My 10 year old autistic son would have even give her ass major side eye had he been there. I should have kicked her, or dropped a giant can of creamed corn on her foot.

So, I sneezed on Sunday night, and I haven't stopped sneezing, and once again, I've taken to the bed with a slight temperature, an ear infection, and all of the other goodies that come with really bad colds you get at this time of the year.

I'm really bummed out this year, because this was going to be the week I started a new exercise regimen at the gym. I'm praying and hoping that I feel better tomorrow to be able to get up off of my ass and go to a Zumba class.

I told my husband of my goals, and he openly laughed at me and told that I looked like hell, and no way was I going anywhere tomorrow. Nice. Thanks rude little girl for ruining my life this week. I hope your deodorant fails on your very first date.

Has it been that long?

Since I last updated? Yeah, I guess it has been.

Just because I've been silent doesn't mean I've waddled my way back into Gluttonsville. On the contrary, I'm actually very close to getting into the "Zone" and doing quite well.

I still don't have a scale. Instead, I took some really awful, really revealing, really truthful pics of myself, and I plan to do that weekly so I can track my weight loss. Just by looking at them, I would estimate that I need to lose between 60 and 200 pounds (my own worse critic).

I've found that trying to do an all liquid diet is close to impossible for me, being the sole meal planner/cook in the family, I just don't have what it takes to avoid that kind of temptation. I think I might be able to do it eventually, but right now, things are just too shaky and uncertain.

I've been averaging about 2 muscle milks per day, fruit, yogurt, water, a bowl of oatmeal, and either one Lean Cuisine, or one light dinner per day. I've been working out mostly every day, doing cardio and weight training.

So I'm hanging in there. I'm hoping by this weekend, I'll have the courage to post my pics so that I can have some accountability for my behavior.

On the other hand

The fat fairies are certainly on my side these days. First, I was offered a membership at an exclusive corporate gym in my neighbor hood for 50% less than what I paid when I temporarily joined last year (I subsequently left, because I just couldn't justify paying $100 a month for a gym. I can justify $49.99 though).

This gym is great, because it is so expensive and they have a membership cap, so you won't have every mother, every dad, every cop, every college student in the area as members. I worked out there today, on the busiest workout day of the week, and there were only about four people in there.
I really need a nice, drama free gym to work out in, so I'm really happy about that.

I was at Costco today, and what do I see as I'm flipping through their coupon book? A $6.00 off coupon for a case of Muscle Milk LIGHT! Not the regular stuff, but the light stuff, which is TOTALLY what I needed!

What a stroke of good luck! That brought the total down to $21 for 24 cans. Phenomenal. I'm actually thinking of going back tomorrow and picking up another case before the coupon expires.

Also, the commissary had Lean Cuisines for $1.49 a box, PLUS a $1.00 three boxes coupon. So clearly I stocked up as much as I could.

So all in all, bad day for dieting, but great day for DIET FOOD.